Actresses These Days
by Lucinda
Summary: Cordelia returns from an audition, unhappy about the competition. Completed.
1. Actresses These Days

author: Lucinda  
  
rating: pg 13 for a bad word.  
  
main character: Cordelia  
  
disclaimer: I hold no legal rights to Cordelia or Angel (property of Joss Whedon & the Buffy the Vampire Slayer/Angel the Series writing staff) or to her mentioned rival (property of Jim Henson & anyone else with legal rights to the Muppets). There is mention of Galaxy Quest, and I have no legal rights to that either (although I own a copy on DVD).  
  
distribution: Twisting, Paula, anyone else ask first.  
  
note: this is set AU season 1 Angel, when Cordelia was still trying to get acting jobs.   
  
  
  
The door to the office slammed shut, accompanied by a distinctly feminine growl. The ominous sound of high heels clicking on the floor echoed ahead, a warning that she was approaching. It almost sounded as if she was trying to stab the floor with every step.  
  
Doyle winced, looking over at Angel before he whispered "I don't think Cordelia's audition went very well."  
  
Angel shot a look at Doyle before looking at the doorway. "Cordelia. Nice dress."  
  
"What is that supposed to mean? Exactly what is wrong with me?" Cordelia was practically snarling, her hair up in an elegant bun, held in place by enameled chopsticks, except for two tendrils curling decoratively down. The blue gray silk was almost the color of fine steel, and clung to her body suggestively, shimmering in an elegant fall to her knees, a slit in one side revealing glimpses of her leg. "How hard can it be to get a part for the second run of what used to be a bad sci-fi series? We're talking Galaxy Quest, not something that gets taken seriously!"  
  
Dolye glanced at Angel, as if hoping, begging for a rescue. "What sort of part were you trying out for?"  
  
"The beautiful alien princess. It sounds like a standard girl of the episode part, which I can do. But the competition... There was a pig!" Cordelia glared in general, sitting on a chair and slipping off her high heels.  
  
Doyle looked over, and spoke slowly, cautiously. "Now, just because someone else was trying out for the same part is no reason to call her names."  
  
"No, I mean she was a pig. Snout, piggy ears, I don't know about a tail, but she was really a pig. There was also a Telluri-whatsit, those blue people with the feathers? But I was auditioning against a pig!" Cordelia wailed.  
  
"Well, I suppose that is a bit odd..." Angel spoke slowly, wondering just where such a being could come from. A pig that wanted to be an actress?  
  
"And she had diamond earrings! A pig with diamond earrings! Life is just not fair sometimes." Cordelia sighed, rubbing at her temples. "Damn that Miss Piggy anyhow."  
  
end Actresses These Days. 


	2. Princess of Pigs

author: Lucinda  
  
rating: pg/pg 13   
  
main characters: Miss Piggy, Jason Nesmith  
  
this follows 'Actresses These Days'.  
  
disclaimer: I hold no legal rights to Miss Piggy or any other Muppet pigs (property of Jim Henson & anyone else with legal rights to the Muppets). There is mention of Galaxy Quest, and I have no legal rights to that either (although I own a copy on DVD).  
  
distribution: Twisting, Paula, anyone else ask first.  
  
  
  
  
  
Jason Nesmith sighed, rubbing at his temple. He'd been looking forward to this episode, always happy when the script writers had him... err, his character encountering alien princesses. They were always beautiful, often scantily clad, and inevitably interested. But he'd seen some of the extras that had been wandering around the set for the Court of the princess, something about Mirrors and buns. The sets were nice, sort of a neo-Greek decadence, with pillars and cushions everywhere. But still...  
  
"Why on earth did they cast that actress?" The question slipped out, sounding almost wistful.  
  
"I believe the commentary was that it would be considered politically and socially prudent to have an actress who wasn't tall and slender appear in a positive role." Alex Dane sounded almost smug. "And they liked her reading, commented on her powerful emotional projection."  
  
"Alex, she's a pig! Literally." Jason leaned back, closing his eyes. "And she keeps... I think she's a bit too interested in that kiss for luck scene. I end up feeling almost mauled."  
  
"Weren't you the man who sounded so pleased that the fans - especially the female fans - couldn't get enough of you?" Alex was definitely amused now.  
  
"That was before I met her." Jason stood up, his hands smoothing over his outfit to make certain there were no wrinkles. "It's time to go back for the next take?"  
  
"Now, now... This is simply part of the price of being the star of the show... kissing the lovely princesses." Alex' voice held sarcasm and amusement.  
  
"Using my own words against me... that's just not right..." Jason shook his head. Only a few more days, and this would be over.  
  
"Ready to start again. Go." The voice from behind the camera sounded a little tired. Then again, this was the fifth take of this particular scene.  
  
Closing his eyes to take a deep breath, Jason nodded. "So, tell me about these people, Dr. Lazarus. What should I expect?"  
  
"They are somewhat shorter than humans, although there are many similarities in their physical structure. Lt. Madison and I have found them to be most welcoming and very... friendly so far. But her Highness the Princess Mirabanna had decided that she will only part with the Corbundruim if you ask for it personally." The crisp tones of Dr. Lazarus flowed forth, his amusement well hidden. "The Princess has blonde hair, and is perhaps the level of your ribcage. She is... a rather strong personality."  
  
They had been slowly walking along the corridor, and stepped into the reception hall. The floor looked like marble, with elegant pillars and shimmering gold and pink gauzy drapes. Reclined on a couch was the Princess of Pigs. A gown in white flowed over her, ornamented with the glitter of gold. Necklaces and bracelets gleamed with gold and gems, and a tiara sparkles over golden locks.  
  
She looked over at them, and her expression changed from boredom to a sweet smile. "Ahh, you must be Commander Taggert. Quite the fine looking man..." She sat up, one foot swinging over, allowing gold painted toenails to glitter under the lights. Patting the couch beside her, she spoke again. "Why don't you come a little closer?"  
  
His stomach clenching tighter with every step, Jason walked across the room, glancing at the rows of pig-men standing at attention, the light gleaming on polished breastplates and helms. He could do this, he was a professional. "Your highness, it is a delight to meet you."  
  
Miss Piggy smiled at him, right before reaching up and pulling him down into her lap, her snout firmly pressed against him as she kissed him. "You say the sweetest things."  
  
Weakly, Jason smiled at her. "And it's such a delight to say them."  
  
Miss Piggy smiled at the camera, winking once. "I love this guy."  
  
end Princess of Pigs. 


	3. What a Hogthrob

author: Lucinda  
  
rating: pg 13   
  
main character: Cordelia  
  
this follows 'Actresses These Days'.  
  
disclaimer: I hold no legal rights to Cordelia (property of Joss Whedon & the Buffy the Vampire Slayer/Angel the Series writing staff) or to any of the characters on Pigs in Space. (property of Jim Henson & anyone else with legal rights to the Muppets). I don't own Camilla either.  
  
distribution: Twisting, Paula, anyone else ask first.  
  
note: this is set AU season 1 Angel, when Cordelia was still trying to get acting jobs.   
  
  
  
Cordelia was smiling as she arrived at the film studio. She'd been cast for a small part in an episode of a serial television skit. It really wasn't the sort of thing that she normally cared to watch, but hey, a part was a part, right? And if some regular cast member was too busy to show up, which lead her to getting a part for herself, well, that was great in her books. Diversity in her resume could be a very good thing, right?  
  
Her smile faltered a little as she saw a group of pigs in shiny silver uniforms talking around a small table. They had a curious resemblance to that wretched Miss Piggy. It couldn't be, could it? Could it?  
  
As she moved closer, she realized the regular cast members were drinking out of personalized mugs, with their names written over shiny silver stars on the blue mugs. It was a sharp contrast tot the blandly gray mugs offered for the use of everyone else. Another mug sat on the tray, upside down and forlornly waiting. It looked like it said Piggy on the side.  
  
"Oh no, this is Her series..." Cordelia winced as the realization hit her. She was going to be taking the place of that pig. The pig that had cost her the role for that other series.  
  
There was a man bustling towards her, his hair flying in wild near curls around his ears. He looked almost as if he'd just been thrown casually together. "You must be Miss Chase. Come this way, Wardrobe's expecting you. We need to get you measured, and then we can start the rehearsals."  
  
Reminding herself that this would be on her resume, Cordelia forced herself to smile. "Of course. I had a bit of trouble finding the set... So, what sort of role do I have?"  
  
"Well, the starship Swine Trek is going to be having some technical difficulties..." He started to explain as they headed towards the back of the area. On the way, they passed the set for the bridge, where one of the cleaning staff was carefully rearranging what looked like a pile of empty cups and food wrappers. Was that an apple core beside the Captain's chair?  
  
'Bet they have a lot of technical difficulties...' Cordelia couldn't quite keep herself from shuddering. "So, they crash land on a planet?"  
  
Apparently, he'd noticed her small shudder at the bridge set. "It's all props. Especially the apple core, that's shaped wax, I believe. The Health Department would be all over us otherwise."  
  
"That's good to know." Cordelia felt a little better. Real messes like that led to cockroaches, which could cause flashbacks to that vile little closet calling itself an apartment that she'd... No, she was trying to repress that.  
  
"Anyhow, your role is the unhappy planetary official who's trying to get them off your planet." The harried looking man continued, leading her to a door painted in a pattern of green and yellow stripes.  
  
Opening the door, he gestured her towards a pair of figures. One of them was a middle aged looking woman with a notepad and a tape measure, and the other was a large chicken. "Miss Chase, this is Camilla and Lisa Cantu, our wardrobe department. I'll leave them to take care of your outfit now."  
  
"Well, at least the colors won't be too bad for you." The woman spoke, her eyes running over Cordelia, as if the tape measure was almost unneeded. "What size slippers do you wear?"  
  
"Bwawk awk... klink." The chicken fluttered, looking oddly serious as she lifted a stapled stack of papers in one wing.  
  
"Oh yes, that's right. Camilla mentioned that you have a scene with Link Hogthrob... the Captain." Lisa sighed, and picked up something made from a shimmery purple fabric. "Apparently, he kisses you. The good news is that you get to hit him for it."  
  
Cordelia sat down, feeling almost light headed. "I don't think they mentioned that before."  
  
"I suppose they probably didn't." Lisa shook her head. "Here, lift your foot so I can get a measurement."  
  
It wasn't too long before Cordelia had the basic script memorized. The fact that occasionally, things might deviate and she'd have to improvise to stay with it should make things a bit simpler. Her costume, a rather gaudy looking assembly of shimmering purple with gold accenting, including this stiff awkward looking edging to the bodice that went up to form an almost high collar looking bit, clasped by a large purple bit of faceted glass with a coordinating shiny gold and purple headpiece left her just wanting to get this over with. "I look like I should be in Flash Gordon or something."  
  
"In the harem of Ming the Merciless." Lisa smiled. "Yes, that was rather the look I was told to go with. Just go out there and get through it, and when the time comes, imagine that Link is Ming, and belt him a good one."  
  
And so Cordelia went onto the set, throwing herself into the part of Shaneera, the horrified High Chancellor. She gasped in exaggerated dismay at the sight of the crew, resisting the urge to smile at the rather sweet Dr. Strangepork. He almost reminded her of the way Willow had been back in high school…  
  
"I do not care that you are seeking the evil Darth Nader. You and that… ship will leave this planet at once." She held her head high, knowing that it looked arrogant and quite haughty. It was also the only way to keep the headpiece from sliding.  
  
"Perhaps I can persuade you to change your mind, your Chancellorness." Link was doing that smile of his, the one that said he was certain that he was just that irresistible. Then, he put one arm behind her shoulders, and the other at her waist, and dipped her down for a kiss.  
  
She punched him right in the nose. "That is quite enough of that! Get back on your ship and get off my planet immediately!"  
  
She could hear laughter and applause from behind the camera, and there was a loud voice proclaiming 'Cut!'. The lights dimmed, and several people came onto the set. Cordelia shook her hand a bit, hoping the feeling would come back into her fingers.  
  
"Was dat in de script?" Link's voice was muffled as he held his hand over his nose, and he had moved away from Cordelia. "Can I get a nurse?"  
  
"No more than that man-handling kiss of yours, Link." The harried man looked amused. "But since you improvised, she had to as well. It worked beautifully… excellent right cross, Chase."  
  
Cordelia smiled, feeling relief warm her. She wasn't getting fired and thrown off the set. While she definitely shouldn't make a habit of things like that… it had felt pretty good. "Thank you."  
  
And Cordelia felt better about the part. She may have been dressed in the absurd costume, but she'd done well, and would leave a memorable impression on everyone. "I've never had a role quite like this one before."  
  
Link went away with the nurse, who was listening as he bemoaned his poor snout, fretting that it might be broken. Worried that his 'rugged good looks' might have been marred. Then, there was his final comment, or at least the last one that Cordelia heard. "At least it wasn't Piggy hitting me, I'd probably need pulled out of the set wall."  
  
"Maybe we can have you come back sometime." The words sounded casual, but he looked serious.  
  
She surprised herself by saying "That might be interesting." Even more surprising was the fact that she'd meant it.  
  
end Actresses These Days 3: What a Hogthrob.  
  
End Actresses These Days. 


End file.
